Neato | I need this in the dorm.

MY APARTMENT - This is how we'll get the guys to aim properly. If Mr. Nibbles can, so can you, Jonny.

"I was shocked! Tom kicked his litter habit and was using the toilet in just a few weeks. You've got a great product CitiKitty."
Rick - Washington DC

So awesome. I want to kick my litter habit, too.

-cw

Loco | Don't think of it like that, don't think of it like that...

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - Look at this page and tell me why this woman has never considered changing her name.

And I promise this isn't a porn site!

-cw

Loco | What's on the tube?

BOYS' DEAN'S APARTMENT - I mean, what's not on the tube.

Every man in America salutes you, Al Jessup.

-cw

PSA | While partaking in a spitting contest, points will be deducted from contestants who fall off the balcony and die.

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - I need to write this one down on the "Don't-do-this" list.

Drobek, his brother and a friend, were competing in a spitting-distance contest, according to Ollech. He said at one point, Drobek crouched down and sprung up to spit off the balcony and went over the railing.

Stupid...

-cw

Neato | Tagalog Primer #1

MY APARTMENT - I've been spending some time lately learning a new language, Tagalog, the official language of the Phillipines. I now present my first of many primers on this interesting language.

===

"Look, there is a little monkey eating your toe!"

"tingnan mo yung unggoy kinakain paa mo!"

"What is it about cheese and goat-meat that is so appealing to you?"

"ano bang nagustuhan mo sa keso [or you can just say cheese] at karne ng kambing?"

"Your eyes shine like the diamond-encrusted jewels around Usher's neck, and your breath is rich with the scent of spiced cabbage."

"ang mga mata mo'y kasing ningning ng kwintas ni usher, at ang hininga mo'y kasing anghang ng repolyo."

"No, you may not put hepatitis on your pizza as a topping."

"dahil merong gustong magkaroon ng hepatitis sa kanyang pizza.."

"Must be 21 to enter. Prices and participation may vary. Please consult your physician before use."

"para lang sa mga 21 pataas. Kumunsulta muna sa inyong doktor"

"Mmmm, this jackrabit meat is very tasty. Next time, however, for added flavor, you should strip his fur off before baking him. I believe he would be much more tender."

"mmmmm...mukhang masarap ang karne ng jackrabit. Para mas sumarap at maging malambot ang kalabasan, balatan muna bago lutuin."

"Sister, take your tampons out of the refrigerator!"

"Kapatid, tanggalin mo yung mga tampon mo sa ref!"

"You have beautiful eyes. Can I eat them?"

"maganda ang mga mata mo. pwede ko bang kainin yan?"

===

-cw

When I grow up... | Posnanski's Thanksgiving wishes

MY APARTMENT - Yet another piece of artwork by the great Joe Posnanski. A must-read if you've ever been in Kansas City for more than 38 seconds.

I’m thankful for triples and punt returns without flags and chocolate strawberries from Laura Little’s Candy Kitchen. I’m thankful for Mike Sweeney hitting when he’s healthy, and Will Shields blasting open a hole on the right side and the people trying to get an NHL team for the new arena. I’m thankful for those four little art deco hair curler thingies on top of Bartle Hall, even though I still don’t know what they are. After 10 years, you start to like things just because they’ve lasted.

I will be this man one day.

-cw

Play | Happy Thanksgiving! Now, for that turkey...

MY APARTMENT - Yet another classic time-waster. Fun, not too difficult... until the blasted turkeys shoot you back.
Miss you all! Hope you have a great break!

-cw

P.S. I scored 7800 before I had to go to the bathroom. Post your scores as comments under this blog! Later!

Observations | SPECIAL "THANKSGIVING" EDITION

MY APARTMENT – Right now, my parents are probably on a mountain in Colorado, skiing down without me.

I should be sad. To counter, I’ll just go with “Nanny nanny boo boo, I’m in AFRICA.”

It’s a kinda somber Thanksgiving, really. I know what home is up to. I know the scene at the houses of my friends. I know what the weather looks like, what the leaves look like, how cold it is. But here I am, across the ocean, far away from all of them.

I especially miss the ski trip that has really become one of the staples in our family. They’re staying in the same place, renting equipment from the same place, hitting a few of the same runs (and some new ones I want to try), and the worst part is I can see it. I know exactly where they are… but for the next year, all I can do is picture it.

So in an effort to drown out the memories and thoughts of what I’m missing, I will now systematically eat through a box of cookies and a jar of Nutella.

Three thankful Observations:

1. I’m thankful I’m not sick anymore. About 6pm yesterday, the most horrible fever and achy-body came over me… and fast. I sat at the boys’ dean’s desk, a puddle of my normal self, begging to go to bed… and I still had 5 hours to work! I was a complete mess.

Please note that I’m not a big “sick” person. I don’t remember the last time – from college to academy to middle school – I missed a day because I was sick. The bug can never really gets the best of me, I usually avoid it or shake it off and move on. But from where I was on Wednesday night, I thought that my streak would come to a sudden halt.

It wasn’t any better the following morning, when I awoke to find 3 guys needed to be put on sick list. After being tempted to report myself as the 4^th that was to miss all appointments for the day, I struggled throughout the rest of the morning. I went back to bed and napped, took some medicine, and got in a shower to scrape off the nasty off me.

Strangely enough, I actually felt decent by lunchtime. By 3pm, after another nap, I felt ok, like I could finish out the day. By Thanksgiving dinner at 6pm, being sick seemed like a far off memory. In 24 hours I’d gotten nailed with a nasty virus that I thought would sideline me for days, and I’d also gotten over it, just like that.

2. I’m thankful for government… or at least that we have to teach it. I just picked up my books for teaching the class 2^nd semester. My attitude from this has changed from “Boy, I wanna do this” to “Boy, it’d be cool, but not possible” to “Awesome, it is possible” to “Oh my, it’s gonna happen” to “Oh, ok, well that woulda been fun” and back to “Oh, it is going to happen!” And I say the last one in a very scared way.

Next week, I’ll have to spend some time setting up a class calendar, a syllabus, a classroom policy, lesson plans, and my class final, a “Write-your-own-constitution” final project. Exhausting! But super-exciting too. Before I came here, I prayed I’d have the opportunity to teach a class – my own class. I had a nice little tease in early October, when I got to substitute for Mrs. Rusunescu in English. But that wasn’t my classroom. Now, I’ll have that. Cool.

3. I’m thankful for what I have here. This afternoon, I carried on with my Thursday afternoon tradition of helping out at the elementary school, where I teach hang out with my favorite kids in the world. From there I went up to the cafeteria to help, along with some other staff, with the Thanksgiving dinner preparations. When all was set, I sat with a few of my favorite high school students and some fellow staff members and enjoyed a great little meal.

I thought about that later and really came to the realization of what’s happened. I have been here 106 days, and I hardly think about home. I don’t spend a lot of time wondering what my friends are doing at UC without me. I don’t analyze what I need to do when I get back.

Right now, I’m adjusted. I’m happy here. I know how it works and I’ve gotten everything down. Every day, I’m making a point of living for that day and that day alone. I wake up in the morning, still, and once or twice a day say “damn… I’m in Africa.” I take more chances, do more when I get the opportunity, get to know people more often, all of that. I’m flourishing here, and I thank God that this opportunity has came. It’s something that will forever impact my life.

Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Save me some turkey.

-cw

Observations | Safe in Kenya, Town trip, and Turkey

MY APARTMENT – Christmas is in just about 10 days.

Being that mailing things to Africa is a time-consuming (no to mention barely guaranteed) process, UC chaplain Pastor Rich Carlson will be bringing Valerie and I our SM Christmas Boxes, by hand, when he comes to visit next Thursday. Val and I are super excited, being that our friends and families have loaded us up with some goodies to make our holidays here seem a little more like normal.

The last few days have been draining, knowing that we’d get a little taste of home, but still in another week and a half. However, we’re excited for Rich coming and visiting us. He’s apparently visited Asia and South America in the last few months, so swinging over to Africa here is just a part of his world tour. (*Jealous*) Seeing someone that we’d so closely related to our Union experience will be a great reminder that while we’ve still got great times ahead here in Africa, we’ll be back home soon, too.

Three Observations:

1. SAFE! With the previously reported “No” victory for the referendum, it seems that my future in this country has been secured. The Orange camp comfortably beat the Yes Bananas, and the few riots that have been in the streets are out of glee, not anger. (By the way, am I the only one who’s still not sure why joyous times also call for riots? I mean, remember what happened in Detroit a few years ago after the Pistons won the NBA Finals – Why? “Horay, our team is the best, let’s flip over this Passat and light it on fire!” I don’t get it. Maybe they were just upset that the Pistons had accomplished something the Lions, Tigers, and Bears Red Wings couldn’t do. Detroit sucks.)

So now, I guess Kenya’s constitution is back on the drawing board. They’ll start working on a new plan, which will probably take another 4 or 5 years to get nailed down. I’m guessing that’ll all be thrown to the wayside, though, in 2007, when President Kibaki, the biggest supporter of the constitution, will have to run for re-election. John, the cafeteria native worker I went to the election with the other day, invited me to come back and take part in that one.

Not as an SM, no way. But what about as foreign press…

2. “History of violence,” but not currently. At the voting center, the lady I was talking to had told me that she thought it would be best to avoid Nairobi on Tuesday, especially the inner parts of town. If anything was to go bad at all, it would happen there and then. Between that and an additional warning from Doug Hartzell, I felt pretty nervous about our town trip for the week.

However, after some coaxing from Elvin to go in (“If we don’t, the terrorists have won!”), I decided to give it a shot, as long as we weren’t out in town as late as usual. My traveling partners conceded, and we swung in to pick up some groceries and do a little bit of shopping.

It ended up being a very short town trip. Yaya Center, a mall that we’ve hung out at before, had most of its stores closed down for the holiday. We’d eaten before we left, so our weekly Java House stop was just for sweets. (Have I ever declared my love for espresso sundaes before? That goes onto the list of me to write love songs for…) We thought about taking in a movie at Nakumatt Junction, but after the disaster that was last week’s “A History of Violence”, we decided to skip out and just grab the groceries and get back home.

It was literally our shortest town trip of all-time; we were back on campus by 5pm, with plenty of time to unload groceries, eat supper at the café, and toss around the football at rec. Later that night, we’d finish out the trilogy of (good) Tom Clancy book-movies, Clear and Present Danger. Overall, a pretty calm and normal town-trip. Very welcomed, considering that it could have been exciting (too exciting) had the election gone the other direction.

3. No turkey, but… As my family spends their Thanksgiving break in Colorado on our annual ski trip to Breckenridge, I’m now even farther – 10 time zones – from them. Not only is there not snow here, there’s no break or anything from classes on Thursday. Why? Because in Africa they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Or 4^th of July. Or Labor Day.

Why not (as 3 different friends and family members have asked me in the last week)? Because the Pilgrims didn’t land here.

Just as well, there are enough American staff and students to justify doing a special dinner on Thursday evening to commemorate the holiday going on across an ocean from us. We’ll have sweet potatoes, gravy, corn, and gluten (close you eyes, stick it in your mouth, and pretend like it’s turkey!). While I’d much rather spend the evening with my family, it’ll be a very acceptable, very welcomed attempt to emulate the scene at home.

Okeeeee, I think it’s time to get some stuff done. I’ll talk to yall later. E-mail me sometime, darn it! I’m all alone her on the holidays!

-cw

Neato | I GET TO STAY IN KENYA!

MY APARTMENT - Oh thank the Lord.

Yes votes: 2,383,782 (41%)
No votes: 3,403,353 (58%)

-cw

Observations | SLT (Last?), "boredom couples," and seeing the election firsthand.

MY APARTMENT – After working the better part of 168 hours worth of deaning, I can finally say it: Finally, off duty!

Like I’ve said before, I enjoy being on duty. Guys will come in and talk to me, and often times, it’ll be the only/first time we’ve talked in a while. If no one’s around I mess around on the net or write blogposts or read a book (like April Blood, which I’ve finally started on). I’ve even brought over my laptop to the office and talked to the family over Skype. I keep myself busy.

But the freedom of being off duty – not having to sit in the office – is a very welcomed event. So the fact that my time off was approaching was very welcomed to me. Even the canceling of school on Monday, because of the declared “Election Day” national holiday, didn’t dull my excitement at all. As the hands on the clock eked forward, my heart began to sing with the thoughts of naps, free time, and scratching. Ah yes, scratching.

Three Long Weekend Observations:

1. SLT’s last stand. The Social-Life Terminator was faced with one of his hardest challenges on Wednesday, when Luke*, the demon-seed that’s been causing the man/machine problems from the get-go, left the SLT in a puddle of anger and rage.

After wasting all of rec time on the phone with his new little girlfriend, Luke* joined rest of the guys over at joint worship, only to come back and call the lady again. Other people needed to use the phone, so SLT stepped up and informed the delinquent to “get the crap off the phone.”

“Why?” was the response.

“Because you were on the phone throughout all of rec and now other people need to talk, too, k?” Taken care of, end of the matter. Next…

Oh no, but the party was just getting started. Luke* stormed into the office, accusing SLT of embarrassing him in front of the other guys in the dorm. (“Embarrasing” him by answering his “Why” question, I can only presume.) While the nightly dorm business was going on, Luke* felt that his complaints and grievances must be dealt with right now.

Long story short, SLT and Luke* ended up standing at opposite ends of the desk in the office, yelling at eachother. While SLT didn’t feel he was out of line in expressing his outright anger towards the student, he did begin to feel the stirrings of upset-ness in the situation. SLT picked up the phone and called in the original SLT, Mr. VerSteeg, and asked him for advice in the situation. After being calmed down, SLT realized he’d played it all as well as he could – but, just to be sure, he’d take some time for a hardware reconfiguring.

SLT is not dead. He is just napping. Beware: it’s not over.

2. “So seeing how there’s no one else on campus to hang out with, and you’re a girl, and I’m a boy, let’s hook up!” The thing I learned from being on duty this long break was how boredom can be a huge motivator for love. Go figure.

It became a joke among the staff how many “boredom couples” were popping up all over the place. Guys and girls who’d never get along in a normal situation were suddenly hooking up, spending all their time together, and giving the supervision staff headaches. Ah, wuv, twue wuv.

Funny, once people started showing back up from long break on Monday, the “boredom couples” evaporated right out of existence. I cannot explain this phenomenon. More to come...

3. The election, up close. As I said earlier, the Kenyan government decided to make Monday (and Tuesday) national holidays, canceling work (and school, except not on Tuesday for us) in observance of the day’s referendum election. Only Kenyan citizens, like some of the campus’ native workers, could vote today, slightly disappointing to me, an avid follower of the political scene here for the past few months. But I was invited by John, one of the head cooks in the cafeteria, to go with him to his polling station to check out what was going on. Since I was off this afternoon, I figured “Why not?” and followed him down the road.

We walked for about 20 minutes down the road to the next town, called Kiserian. After a quick excursion for John’s national ID card, we walked in the Arap Moi School, the closest site for voting. We walked about 150 feet from the road to a room where voting took place. While John went in (to vote Orange – No to the referendum), I stood outside and talked to the lady who was directing people into the room. She told me that even though the polls opened at 7am that morning, at 6:40 there were 4 lines of people from the room I was standing outside to the street; at her estimate, probably 1,200 people waiting to vote! No one could say Kenyans were uninterested in their government.

The woman also speculated with me that she thought that Banana (Yes) had taken most of the vote in that polling station, a relatively troubling thought for me. From all pre-polls, it looked as if Orange (No) had more of the country’s support. If the referendum was to be passed, it would look as though the election was rigged, and the country would undoubtedly be faced with a tumultuous situation. In all reality, a No victory was favored by the non-Kenyans on campus, because a Yes vote could lead to enough unrest that we might need to be pulled out. That this polling station was leaning towards Banana didn’t sit too well with me. I was about to ask the woman more questions when John came out, ballot completed, ready to go.

As we walked back to MAA, I told John what the lady at the polling place had said and asked him his thoughts. It didn’t even seem to phase him: “Oh no, Orange still will win, I think.” He told me some of the ridiculous rules and items put into the constitution (like having to buy a permit to bury your own dog on your own property). He was convinced that the election would go the way of the “no”. Ok…

Allright, I’m gonna take some time to nap! Will write more soon!

-cw

Loco | Terrorists have now taken over our cell phones.

NAIROBI, KENYA - Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, buy generic batteries. The terrorists are using them as tools of attack.

The cell phone had been charging on the Casper College student's bed. Witnesses say there was a large popping sound, and flames shot more than a foot into the air, melting the case, and burning the sheets on the bed.

Be warned: Your cell phone may try to KILL YOU.

-cw

Neato | Please get this for me for X-Mas.

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - I think this might be the greatest childrens' toy ever to be invented.

Introducing Pee & Poo, the plush dolls.

I need these delievered to Maxwell Academy by December 25th. Thanks.

-cw

Loco | If I were a superhero...

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - ... I would have "dealt" with this little problem.

She squeezed the cheese on his truck, and he squeezed the cheese in her hair before fleeing in his truck.

No more domestic cheese-on-spouse violence under my rule!

-cw

Hostage | The two people I looked up to in how to form a good, solid relationship - Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline - are calling it quits.

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *crying*

A confidante of Britney’s said to Australia’s NW: "Britney's already seen the divorce lawyer. As it stands, the divorce papers are written up and all she has to do is give the word and they'll be filed in the courthouse. She doesn't want to divorce Kevin, but if that's the best thing for her child and for her own sanity, that's exactly what she'll do."

Now who will I look up to?

-cw

Observations | Banquet, Chiefs, and Government :)

MY APARTMENT – Ok, so I don’t ache at all from Sunday’s walk. Heck, not even that day…

I went on my third straight Mount Kenya prep-hike Sunday, and while I regretted the decision almost immediately, it wasn’t because I was tired or knew I couldn’t do it. About 24 steps into the hike, I realized “Hey, I really wish I was sleeping right now.”

But, desire to walk or none, Valerie and I pushed through the 10km of African roads – down the steepest hills ever, then right back up then – and returned to our bus in a little over an hour and a half. It was one of my quickest times ever, and that’s ok reason to be excited. But now, a day later, I can walk without much aching in my butt or my calves.

So while I was a little irked that I had to be up to re-conquer these hills, I definitely was awake afterwards, prepared for one of the longest days I’ve had in a long time.

Three Observations

1. “Can you bring me some salt, waiter?” Sunday night was finally one of the most-looked-forward-to events of the year: banquet. After weeks of hooking up with eachother, breaking up, finding new dates, buying gifts for those dates, and trying to look handsome/pretty for those dates, the time had finally come. My boys showered (finally), bathed in cologne, and picked up their dates from the girls dorm for an evening of romance… in the cafeteria.

My date? A plastic food-serving tray. The faculty were told last week that our duty for the night would be playing the part of servers, waiters, and waitresses to the students. Whoop-de-do. So while the googly-eyed teenagers stared at eachother for the night, I had the opportunity of placing food (that they would inevitably not touch) in front of them.

Of course, they took advantage of the situation. Some students demanded I bring them food that instant, so I willingly fulfilled their request, laying the pasta in front of them after warning them that I had “accidentally” hocked lugies on 3 of the 4 plates. Enjoy! Another student insisted that I bring them a small salt shaker, to which I responded by leaving a half-gallon bucket of salt at their table. Even the simple request for more ice cream warrant a series of insults that I can only assume had never been uttered at any banquet.

My goal was to be fired. Then I could go back to my apartment. No such luck.

After listening to countless dedications of ballads from one lover to another, declaring their undying love for eachother (sung by academy students), the students headed over to watch a “The Pacifier,” another box-office smash by the acting wonder that is Vin Diesel. While they did that, I supervised for a little while until all seemed calm. When the coast was clear, Valerie and I (who’d just pulled a complete weekend on-duty) snuck out of the movie, changed into comfortable clothes, and ran over to the Hartzells to watch…

2. The Chiefs Lose. Again. Hey, but again, how dedicated are we? After skipping out on listening to the second half of the Chiefs-Eagles Embarrass-fest, Valerie wasn’t going to be the cause of bad luck this time. We decided we’d stay up and listen to the game until midnight, no matter what. Even though we’d just worked 3 days straight and had to be up at 6am the next morning to do dorm worship, we weren’t going to let our team down. They’d have to let us down.

Long story short, they did. KC’s offense – arguably the most potent in the league in the last 5 years – put up a mind-numbing 3 points. THREE. While we didn’t leave until the final gun shot off, we lost heart halfway into the first half. *Sigh*

But the night wasn’t a complete wash. Talking to Doug Hartzell, I got some of the best news I’d heard in a while:

3. I am teaching next semester! I could hardly believe it. The reason that Doug had snatched up Lauran’s class from him was because he wanted it taught well, and with all due respect to Lauran, someone from the States should probably be teaching about our government. When Doug heard, though, that I wanted to take the job, he was delighted. He and his wife Carol bounced ideas of projects and classroom things off me the entire second half (when I didn’t want to listen, anyways).

Now, at this point, all that needs to be done is to talk to Principal Thomas, put together an official gameplan for me, and start scheduling away! This is great for me because I’d wanted to take a class, my own class, since before I arrived at Maxwell. While I truly enjoyed being a substitute teacher for Robyn Rusunescu’s English classes while she was in the U.S., I didn’t want to consider switching majors at all until I had spent a good amount of time in a classroom, running my own program. Now, that opportunity might be here. Fingers crossed!

Allright, I do believe it’s time for me to fly. Take care at home, and know that I miss ya bunches. Email sometime!

-cw

Hostage | I need salmon-flavored soda.

NAIROBI, KENYA - If I don't get a bottle of this in Africa, I'm not coming back.

The salmon-flavoured soda will be offered as part of a $13 "regional holiday pack" that also includes other unusual sodas such as turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, broccoli casserole and pecan pie.

*Barf*

-cw

Loco | Spitting Transvestites of DEATH

MY APARTMENT - In college writing, we have been preached to how an impressive paragraph can set the tone for a whole article.

If I've ever read a better, more intriguing, "I've-got-to-read-more-of-that-article" paragraph of writing in my life, I don't remember it.

Members of a transvestite gang have confessed to concealing strong sedative pills under their tongues and spitting them down the throats of their victims while kissing, causing them to pass out so they can be easily robbed, police said.

AVOID THAILAND

-cw

SLT REPORT | Victim toll for weekend:3

Username: *********

Password: *******

===ACCESS GRANTED===

Welcome to the Social-Life Terminator (SLT) report program. Here, SLT owners can evaluate the performance of their dean/droids.

YOU HAVE ONE NEW REPORT.

Social Life Terminator nailed three – count them, three – separate students on two different occasions. Report follows.

1. Roomcheck and Mr. Vigilante. It all began on Friday, about a half-hour before roomcheck, when SLT invited Miss Honey (evil nickname still in progress) to do the weekly cleanliness screening for him. The villainess agreed, and the check began a few moments after scheduled.
   
   It took approximately 38 seconds for the guys to realize that SLT had a new Terminator in training. She began a hygienic campaign comparable to the mass executions of Jews in WWII. Guys were sneaking up behind her – into the traditionally “clean rooms” – seeing her leave checks for dustiness and not-smoothed-out beds, and flee into their own rooms for extra minutes of cleaning.
   
   After one of the pig-sties met its destiny, SLT found myself surrounded by 5 guys, including Mr. Vigilante*, a certain student (with a rather high and impressive student title… at least, he thinks it is) that has a history of “tattling” on the Mr. Webb. Whether it was taking the lord Gosh's name in vain or a time he hadn’t been at recreation to see if certain students were there (“Sorry, Mr. Vigilante*, I must have been BEING A FRIGGIN’ DEAN.”), there always seems to be something that Webb is not doing up to par for this impressed-with-himself fellow.
   
   “Mr. Webb, Mr. Webb!” they all screamed in unison. “She’s not being fair!”
   
   “First of all, you know my name is SLT. Only refer to me by that name. Second of all, [Terrorizing Nickname for Miss Honey] will grade the rooms how she deems appropriate. All I’ve told her is to be consistent.”
   
   Ah, and then the high, shrill, not-quite-a-real-man-yet voice of Mr. Vigilante* rose over the others. “Well, Mr. Webb, she isn’t being consistent with how you do it.”
   
   The glare must have almost melted him into a puddle of Vigilante Juice. “Tell ya what, she will do it how she wants, and if you have a problem with it, you can take it to Dean Versteeg.” And the hammer of Thor strikes yet again.

2. Oh no, but that wasn’t it. Just when you think it’s over, another twist comes. That twist came with Ben*, a student especially infuriated by the intrusion of Honey into something so sacred as roomcheck. After she left his ticket (with only one mark-off, doubling his year-long total), SLT engaged itself in 5 separate arguments with Ben* about how “SHE” didn’t know what she was talking about. He didn’t seem to understand that “No” didn’t mean “Please, keep asking, maybe I’ll change my mind,” but really, “NO.”
   
   Ben* wasn’t about to give up. If SLT wasn’t going to listen to him, surely he’d have to pull in reinforcements. Who would be another student, so respected and formidable, that couldn’t possibly be blocked out as Ben* had been?
   
   Enter Mr. Vigilante*.
   
   Vigilante stepped up to the plate immediately after Vespers. The first warning sign was him strolling confidently into the office and taking a seat directly in SLT’s field of vision. This was alarming because V* never came into the office unless some complaint or grievance was about to be filed. Also, Ben* stood nearby, waiting for his Ramen noodles to cook in the office microwave. How ironc…
   
   “Mr. Webb, some guys have been complaining about roomcheck today…”
   
   If only he knew how much SLT detests being called Mr. Webb. “Yes, I know of it, yes, it was dealt with, and Ben*, if I hear one more complaint from you I promise you will be grounded to your dorm room so long you’ll start making funeral arrangements.” Ben* storms out.
   
   The anger shifted to Mr. Vigilante*. “And you, maybe you should spend less time on being the campus vigilante, fighting faculty every time someone is punished and more time on learning what’s going on!”
   
   Vigilante* fired back: “Mr. Webb [I use bold here because of the sheer anger in his voice.], I do not appreciate you talking to me. If you have something to say, you can say it to me in a calm and civil manner…”
   
   SLT pulls out grenade launcher: “No, Vigilante*, you calm down. Did you take any time at all to investigate whether Ben* had actually come to me before your indictments? Because had you checked that out, you might have seen that I’ve already discussed with Ben* 5 times.”
   
   Pause. Vigilante* realizes his mistake in approaching a fully-loaded and prepared SLT. “No, I wasn’t aware of that…”
   
   Laser beams shoot out of the human/droid’s eyes. “Well maybe next time you get your story straight before you come in here and attack me. Leave my office.”
   
   Vigilante* leaves. SLT is victorious again. Resistance is useless.

3. SLT warned you. Do not test SLT. Another brilliant student tested Happy Fun Ball Social-Life Terminator this weekend. Since Sunday evening was going to be banquet (hence no study hall that night), we had our study hall on Saturday night as the activity for the evening. Yes, everyone was really excited… NOT.
   
   While most of the guys went to their rooms to study, ASB’s Social Committee had special permission to go to the cafeteria and set up for the next day’s event. When they came back from decorating, one that SLT has “dealt with” in the last few days, Luke*, lurked into the office with a massive, way overfilled balloon.
   
   SLT saw into the future. That’s going to pop near me.
   
   The robot/dean/gift-to-all-women warned Luke* that if the balloon, already thinking about assploding himself, was to pop, so would Luke*’s dreams of a week hanging out with his new girlfriend.
   
   Luke* laughed. SLT could not compute this reaction. He heard no joke.
   
   Seconds later, the balloon assplodes. SLT informs Luke* that he is rec-bound for a week. Luke* then realizes it wasn’t a joke. Shock. Horror. Lost hopes. Head down. Stagger out of the office.
   
   And the Triple-Crown of punishment is complete.

And now SLT hopes to recharge his batteries. Power down.

-cw

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent... or presumed innocent.

Loco | Real Headline: "Local Man Fired After Visions of the End of the World"

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - And you thought you could get into trouble for messing up those TPS reports?

A Farragut man who said the end of the world would begin on Friday, has been fired from his job at Knology... He'd predicted five big cities in the US would face economic collapse... "In the end I view it as a resignation. I feel God is calling me to do other things. I've said this before but a couple of months ago he told me I wasn't going to work anymore"... John now admits he got the dates wrong...

Pass those dates along when you can, John, so we can schedule them into the calendar.

-cw

Observations | Egypt, Government :(, Narnia

BOYS’ DEAN’S OFFICE – I’m soooooooooooooooo bored…

I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m cranky, I want to sleep

… and I am on duty. *sigh* So is the life of a dean on duty. I’m in the middle of a Friday-Saturday-Sunday stint here, and while I like being on duty more than I like being off, I’m still wondering why I haven’t moseyed on over to the apartment for one of those (3-hour long) 20-minute naps.

But alas, I am distracted. I keep looking at the copy of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis that I stole from the library, and I’m craving to continue reading it, more than almost any book before. I’ve got guys coming in and out of the office wanting to chew the fat, so there’s that. I’ve got this blog to write, people online to chat with, news sources to check up on (amazingly, I’ve done a better job in keeping up with U.S. current events here than at home). I’ve got stuff to do.

But nonetheless, that nap does sound good…

Three (probably super unclear because the Sandman is drifting over me) Observations:

1. “No no no, perhaps you don’t get it – I’m going to Egypt whether you let me in or not!” Because of the bombardment of no help from Ethiopian Airlines and the bad attitude (B.A.) from the Egyptian embassy, I knew that Lauran’s and my trip to Nairobi on Thursday would require an extra dose of aggression. But, from where? I’m not necessarily strong enough to take care of this on my own; they hadn’t listened to me before, so why would they now? I considered all my options before deciding on bringing with me the most evil, vile, power-filled man/machine that Africa has ever seen:

Yes, that’s right. Only the villainous Social-Life Terminator could have the cojones to take down an airline and an embassy in one fell swoop. It was on like Donkey Kong.

Three hours later, Lauran had gotten his yellow fever shot, we’d driven by the embassy, and I’d walked out of the Ethiopian Airlines downtown office with two round-trip tickets to Cairo.

It’s official; I’m going. Thanks SLT!

2. “Hey Chris, you should teach government, really! I mean, we have the opening, we need someone to do it, and you’d do a good job… yeah, you interested? You are? PSYCH!” In a lesser sense, this was what happened with my Government class.

On the way back from the Egyptian embassy on Thursday, Lauran, the person who’d unofficially offered me the class, told me that Doug Hartzell, history guru, had already volunteered to take the class. It had apparently been mistakenly assigned to Lauran, while in fact, it was Doug’s baby. He even had the history book’s teacher’s edition that I’d been looking for. So apparently, I’m out of this job.

I’m not too worried though. I have stuff that I do in the dorm, so teaching might take from that a bit. Also, there’s always a chance that some other class might come up that needs a teacher, so I might be able to step in and take that one. Or heck, I haven’t even talked to Doug yet. Maybe Government and I aren’t finished. Only time will tell…

3. “There are two kinds of people in the end; those who say to God ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says ‘Thy will be done.’” – C.S. Lewis in The Great Divorce. I read “The Chronicles of Narnia.” Many times. That’s one of the classic books I treasure from my childhood. As time passed, however, I’ve done a horrible job of reading more of C.S. Lewis’ writings, and I’ve needed an excuse for quite some time to get “back in.”

So with the Narnia movie going to theaters so soon, I’ve the best reason to re-ignite my interest in this department. Elvin picked up the soundtrack to the movie, which features incredible songs by Jeremy Camp, Jars of Clay, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Bethany Dillon (to simply name a few). I also began reading The Great Divorce just yesterday, and although it’s incredibly short, I’ve been burning through the pages as fast as I’ve ever read anything. After this post is done, I think that I’ll spend some time on my bed, finishing up the book. Or maybe just drifting off and finishing it later…

Allright, so that’s what I’m off to do. Tomorrow morning is another Mount Kenya prep-hike, tomorrow night is banquet, and after that’s another sure-to-be-disastrous Chiefs game. Miss ya!

-cw

Neato | Really, FREE college money. Move to Kalamazoo.

BOYS' DEAN'S OFFICE - I wish I was from Kalamazoo, Michigan.

The scholarship program — called the Kalamazoo Promise — will cover 100 percent of tuition and mandatory fees for children who have been enrolled in KPS since kindergarten... A partial scholarship will be given to students who enter after kindergarten. For instance, a child who transfers to KPS in third grade would receive a scholarship covering 90 percent of tuition, while a student who transfers in ninth grade would receive a 65-percent scholarship.

That's where I'll be raising my family.

-cw

Observations | The Evil Egyptian Embassy, CURRY, and MAA

MY APARTMENT – This morning I woke up to the sound of my ears bleeding.

A few weeks ago, I was looking around on iTunes at new releases when I saw a new version of the Eric Clapton classic “Tears in Heaven.” It was one of those remakes where they donate proceeds to whatever recent, chic disaster occured. This single, for victims of the Asian tsunami, featured artists like Elton John, Rod Stewart, Mary J. Blige, Kelly Clarkson, Josh Groban, and even (strangely enough) Ozzy Osbourne. While it seemed like the bizarre mix of artists (especially when the last one is included), I was optimistic. “Tears in Heaven” is one of the greatest songs of all time. Even Ozzy couldn’t mess this one up. Maybe it’s cool. For 99 cents, it was worth the try. I clicked the “Purchase” button, sealing my doomed fate.

I heard the sounds of pigs being slaughtered, children crying, men gnashing their teeth.

New general rule: Whenever there’s a song done for a charity, and any name that even rhymes with “Ozzy” is featured on the single, DO NOT BUY IT. Remember that sound you used to hate in elementary school, of the chalk screeching on the blackboard? It’s like paying 99 cents for that sound, repeated over and over again, for 3 minutes.

myVote™: *Ears bleeding*

Three Observations:

1. Egytian embassy: We pretty much don’t want you to come to our country. Pretty much… As you might remember from past posts, Lauran Merginio and I have been stuck in the Catch-22 from hell in making this Egypt trip work. Ethiopian Airlines, the cheapest carrier around, can get us there and back for $500ish (taxes included). However, they refuse to sell us tickets until Lauran gets his travel visa from the Egyptian embassy.

Not a huge problem, ay? Nope, not really… until you talk to the Egyptian embassy, who informs you that they cannot, in fact, give a visa until they have an actual ticket to the country.

So yesterday, I snatched control of the whole situation. I e-mail spammed our contact in the Cairo Adventist guesthouse, begging her for an official “invitation” to give to the idiots and the embassy. I phoned Ethiopian Airlines, talked with (and I think “was flirted on by”) a super-friendly customer support lady, who informed me that if we simply brought the ticket claim over to the embassy, they’d accept that in lieu of the ticket. I even called the demon-seeds at the embassy to confirm that they wouldn’t issue us a visa without the ticket, even though we couldn’t get the ticket without the visa.

They hung up on me. I called back and informed them that we’d gotten disconnected. I thought I heard the wench on the other side coughing a laugh back. Whatever.

On our town trip, we made a special excursion to the unpleasant embassy to pick up a visa application for Lauran. I almost got screwed on that one; the embassy, while open all day, only accepts visas from 10am to 12:30pm. However, you can pick up an application outside the gate any time. We get to the embassy, I go to the gate, and I ask for an application.

”Ahm [This is how Africans say “Um”.], we have no mahre. De people are making copies. Cahmn bahck een… ahm… thirty minutes.”

Needless to say, I was furious with these people at this point. I demanded that the guard go inside and find me one copy, because I’d came a long way and had to leave to go back home in just a few minutes (blatant lie). The man unwillingly moseyed inside and came back, minutes later, with a sheet of paper: the application. Even the request for this simple item (a 30-second transaction, at the most) took close to 10-minutes to accomplish. Do you guys hate me? You don’t want to visit your freaking country that bad?

Tomorrow, the saga continues. Lauran and I have to go into Nairobi to get Yellow Fever shots. (I had mine done already, but I am lacking the certification.) We’re also going to go into Ethiopian Airlines to plead with them to let us buy our tickets – otherwise, we’ll never get to go at all! I think there’s even a chance we’ll go back to the embassy to head-butt the witch who hung up on me. Ok, I made the last one up. But still, wish us luck!

2. That curry smell is back. I’ve mentioned before how uneventful and repetitive days off have become. While they’re an incredibly great blessing to have (after 6 days of being surrounded by students), they really blend into eachother now. We pretty much do the same thing we did yesterday: go to Sarit Center (the nicest, most American mall) to pick up school supplies from a textbook center, hit up Nakumatt for all our grocery needs, and stop by some place to either eat or just snack a bit.

Yesterday, our eating establishment of choice was Ashianos, the Indian restaurant. This is the eatery where I first began my curry obsession that led to the “curry-scented body wash” experience. While it’s still a borderline painful experience, spicy-wise, I managed to survive the onslaught of flavor/heat and even enjoy my food. Another adding-curry-into-everything-I-cook festival is coming up…

3. Not just my last year at MAA? The hot new rumor on campus (between the staff, that is) has to do with a meeting we’ll be having on Friday. Apparently, a higher-up of the church is visiting us to just “check up” on how we’re doing. She’ll be looking around the school, interviewing staff, and, most likely, talking to students about their school.

The worry is that this woman is coming to scope out the school and deem us expendable to the Adventist Church, a.k.a. shut down Maxwell. This academy was almost closed down before, after another church official (who apparently takes great pride in doing such Satan-possessed things as removing options for Christian education) “stopped by” to check and see how Maxwell was doing. After he left, he filed a report to the General Conference, suggesting that MAA be shut down. If it hadn’t been for a blitz of letters from Maxwell Academy parents, I wouldn’t be working in this school today.

So after that close call, there’s obvious reasoning to be worried. Higher-ups in the church, like this lady, don’t just visit places “for fun;” they have a mission. Of course, we don’t know the mission. She might want to cut funding, depleting us of one less staff member for next year, or she might want to propose we receive more money. But fresh off the heels of the last threat to the school, the overall feeling for Friday’s appointment is “tense.”

This is another one of those (few) times that I’m not trying to be funny or entertaining. I simply am reporting this so you’ll remember to keep our situation in your prayers. If something happens, it won’t happen now, you know. I won’t be deported, sent back home prematurely, so I’m not in danger.

But this school, that I’m really beginning to love, needs to remain open. Whether the Seventh-day Adventist church recognizes it or not, they have the opportunity to train up its future leaders, right here. If they cut the school out, who’s to tell where the students will end up, what they’ll do, what they’ll become. Please keep Maxwell Academy in your prayers.

Allright, it’s time to “R-U-N-N-O-F-T.” Tonight, I get the opportunity of sitting through song approval for banquet. There’s supposed to be 12 performers showing up, crooning out their disgustingly mushy love-songs, dedicated to their “one-and-only” loves. I’ll bring my own barf bag.

-cw

Observations | LJ, Banquets, and Mail

BOYS’ DEAN’S OFFICE – You people at home think you love Taco Bell. You think because you go towards the Border Menu a couple times a week over a lunch break, you and TB have a relationship. You think that the occasional desire for a 7-layer burrito constitutes an addiction.

Oh, you don’t know, you don’t know…

Since I’ve got here to Kenya, every care package from home is filled to the brim with candy, Chiefs games on tape, and other goodies. But the absolute first thing I check for is a baggie of Taco Bell sauce packets. These little guys, taken so for granted by you, have become my lifeblood. I truly don’t remember the last time I cooked something in my room without adding at least 2 packets of “TC Sauce,” as my mom calls it, to the recipe. Every day for lunch, I pocket a handful and take them to the cafeteria in the event that we have burritos, ugali, or pretty much anything else lacking a much-needed kick.

It’s not just me, either. Doug Hartzell has two buckets, filled to the brim, with sauce packets. I’ve taken them to lunch before and watch students salivate. One of the kids, a freshman named Hanna, went so far as to take one of my used packets that I’d just squeezed 90% of the life out of and drink from it. Just picture it; she took a seemingly endless packet of sauce, milked the half a drop still in it, and dropped it on her tongue.

You think you love it, and I’m here to inform you that you don’t; you just like it.

For those of us that’ll be going 9 months (at the least) without a Gordita or Quesadilla or Baja Blast or even just a simple burrito (no onions), we know the true meaning of love. When I get back to the States, I promise that the first thing I take a bite of will be a 7-layer burrito. Or I’ll starve until I get it.

Three Observations:

1. A true heart-stopper. I can only imagine what my guys were thinking, peeking around the doorframe, into my office, where their dean sat, earphones turned up at full volume, staring into the computer screen and whispering to himself “Get the first down, c’mon!”

The Chiefs-Raiders game on Sunday might have been one of the most trying, stressful times I’ve had since I stepped off the plane in Nairobi. It was imperative we win, not just because it was Oakland or to save the season, but to save face in front of the whole NFL. The Chiefs have been a mixed-message to the league this year, winning over half their games but still not really playing like a contender. This game was huge.

I suffered through an underwhelming first half in the office, through study hall and most of the hour after lights out. When the announcers announced halftime, I dismissed the RAs, unplugged the laptop, and rushed it back to my apartment as not to miss a moment of Chiefs action.

An hour later, I regretted my decision. After getting up on the raiders 20-9, Oakland came back with a couple touchdowns and a 2-point conversion to go up by a field goal. KC was in dire need of points, and I was in dire need of sleep. Bad combination.

The Chiefs matriculated their way down to the field, finally being stopped with a timeout left on the 37-yard line. With every pass, every penalty, every catch-and-run out of bounds, I hopped up from my computer chair and paced the room. “C’mon guys, you can do this. C’mon…”

On LJ’s 36 yard catch to the one-yard line, I could take it no more. I jumped and hopped, repeating my “KICK THE FIELD GOAL!” advice to Coach Vermeil. I wanted to yell and scream, but Elvin was in bed just a room over. Had to keep it down.

Ball spotted on the one. 5 seconds left. Last real play. TD wins it. Vermeil decides to go for it. Team lines up. Praying for no penalties. The snap… the handoff… the jump…

Touchdown.

I popped up out of my seat, pumping my fist with my right arm, covering my mouth with my left. I don’t remember a more exciting victory, especially considering my game-enjoying circumstances. Go Chiefs.

2. Be my banquet date! With banquet coming up here on Sunday (of my weekend on), there’s be a sudden mad rush of people hooking up as dates for the event. On Sunday, there were apparently 10 couples going together; today, 25 couples.

Hand in hand with that is the fact that at MAA, students typically buy each other gifts rather than corsages. Of course, the girls are already ready, but the guys have yet to shop. So tomorrow, on my town trip, I’ll be responsible for picking up banquet gifts for like 5 guys who “never got around to it” (forgot). They know that if the girl likes the gift, “Mr. Webb picked it up for me,” but if she doesn’t, “I had to buy it myself.”

3. I want mail. There are apparently 4 packages in the mail right now from my mom that haven’t made it to me. Apparently, the USPS says they got to Africa safely – the problem is once they’re here, there’s no telling where they are. Every time I talk to my mom, the first question is “Any packages today?” “Nope, nothin’.” *Sigh* This wasn’t a major observation, you know. Just wanted to let ya know. I’m praying every day for it, so hopefully it’ll all work out soon.

Ok, This is all for now. Later!

-cw

Observations | Government class, SLT, and the amazing blessing that is the Java House

MY APARTMENT – I’m pooped.

I did another Mount Kenya prep-hike, and I walked it a lost faster. I set a good pace walking down the hill – fast, but not enough to wear me out – and then struggled back up the hill. Nonetheless, I still finished out strong: 10k (straight down and up – no flat areas) in one hour, 25 minutes.

Because next Sunday is banquet (meaning a required 16-hour hair-preparation festival in the girls dorm and an equally impressive 10-minute Shower/Dress/Spray -cologne-all-over-your-body mad-dash in the guys dorm), Mr. Thomas gave the option of walking this Sunday or last Sunday – either option would work. Me? I need the training. Even though I worked it this last week, I’ll be ready for another dose of sore muscles when 8am on Sunday rolls around.

Three Observations:

1. Teaching – once a dream, now a very possible reality. Is it true? Have the prayers I prayed before I left been answered? Will 2^nd Semester be the debut of “Mr. Webb – The Teacher”?

After Friday night’s Vespers program, Valerie, Honey, Elvin, and I headed down to the Merginio’s place for some brownies, ice cream, and fellowship. We told stories, shared some laughs, and had an overall great time. But what I came out with was an offer by Lauran (my Egypt traveling companion) for next semester.

Lauran is the school counselor, a Bible teacher, a PE teacher, the student-travel liaison, and one of the hostel parents, just to name a few of his jobs. In a nutshell, he’s stacked with responsibilities and still burdened with Government class 2^nd semester. He’d been looking for a way to get out of teaching the class when he heard about my interest to actually have my own class. Match made in heaven?

He brought up the possibility to gauge my interest in taking the obligation from him. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Since I left the States, my biggest goal for the year was to actually be a teacher – run my own classroom, assign homework, do grades, give tests – and now, it looks that I’ll have that chance.

As of now, I’m awaiting the chance to glance through the book and other teaching materials before officially agreeing to it. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going to say “No” to this chance. I just want to be sure when I say “Yes.”

More to come…

2. SLT strikes yet again. A few days ago, I reported about SLT having to face Alex*, a compulsive line-cutter with an extreme arguing fetish. SLT had grounded the student to sit with him, every meal, for one week, to which Alex* emphatically stated that this wasn’t going to happen. SLT threatened Ad Council, and Alex* encouraged it, thinking they’d be more willing to forgive and forget.

He didn’t think about the fact that if the word insubordination comes up in Ad Council, the first response is “Suspension.”

So later, when I approached him to remind him of this fact, he caved in and solemnly vowed to follow my punishment. Muhahaha…

3. Java. Is. Amazing. After the hike from hell, the Hartzells took us out to Java House at Nakumatt Junction for some B-E-A-U-tiful brunch food. We purposely didn’t ea t a lot for breakfast and nothing after the walk so save up the hunger for Java. After hours of starvation preparation, I dismantled a massive bean burrito and a cup of Kenyan dark coffee in a period of 28 seconds. Holla.

Seriously, the trips that we take to the Java House on Sundays, when we’re off and need to get some super-great breakfast, are going to be something I definitely remember for a long time. As much as I’m looking forward to going home eventually, the memories I’m making here are things I’d never trade in the world.

Ok, that’s all for this edition of The Daily Cowbell. I’m on duty tonight, and I plan on bringing my laptop to the office to listen to the Chiefs game. GO KC!

-cw

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent... or presumed innocent.