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.:: The Daily Cowbell ::.

Monday, November 14, 2005

SLT REPORT | Victim toll for weekend:3

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Welcome to the Social-Life Terminator (SLT) report program. Here, SLT owners can evaluate the performance of their dean/droids.


Social Life Terminator nailed three – count them, three – separate students on two different occasions. Report follows.

  1. Roomcheck and Mr. Vigilante. It all began on Friday, about a half-hour before roomcheck, when SLT invited Miss Honey (evil nickname still in progress) to do the weekly cleanliness screening for him. The villainess agreed, and the check began a few moments after scheduled.

    It took approximately 38 seconds for the guys to realize that SLT had a new Terminator in training. She began a hygienic campaign comparable to the mass executions of Jews in WWII. Guys were sneaking up behind her – into the traditionally “clean rooms” – seeing her leave checks for dustiness and not-smoothed-out beds, and flee into their own rooms for extra minutes of cleaning.

    After one of the pig-sties met its destiny, SLT found myself surrounded by 5 guys, including Mr. Vigilante*, a certain student (with a rather high and impressive student title… at least, he thinks it is) that has a history of “tattling” on the Mr. Webb. Whether it was taking the lord Gosh's name in vain or a time he hadn’t been at recreation to see if certain students were there (“Sorry, Mr. Vigilante*, I must have been BEING A FRIGGIN’ DEAN.”), there always seems to be something that Webb is not doing up to par for this impressed-with-himself fellow.

    “Mr. Webb, Mr. Webb!” they all screamed in unison. “She’s not being fair!”

    “First of all, you know my name is SLT. Only refer to me by that name. Second of all, [Terrorizing Nickname for Miss Honey] will grade the rooms how she deems appropriate. All I’ve told her is to be consistent.”

    Ah, and then the high, shrill, not-quite-a-real-man-yet voice of Mr. Vigilante* rose over the others. “Well, Mr. Webb, she isn’t being consistent with how you do it.”

    The glare must have almost melted him into a puddle of Vigilante Juice. “Tell ya what, she will do it how she wants, and if you have a problem with it, you can take it to Dean Versteeg.” And the hammer of Thor strikes yet again.
  1. Oh no, but that wasn’t it. Just when you think it’s over, another twist comes. That twist came with Ben*, a student especially infuriated by the intrusion of Honey into something so sacred as roomcheck. After she left his ticket (with only one mark-off, doubling his year-long total), SLT engaged itself in 5 separate arguments with Ben* about how “SHE” didn’t know what she was talking about. He didn’t seem to understand that “No” didn’t mean “Please, keep asking, maybe I’ll change my mind,” but really, “NO.”

    Ben* wasn’t about to give up. If SLT wasn’t going to listen to him, surely he’d have to pull in reinforcements. Who would be another student, so respected and formidable, that couldn’t possibly be blocked out as Ben* had been?

    Enter Mr. Vigilante*.

    Vigilante stepped up to the plate immediately after Vespers. The first warning sign was him strolling confidently into the office and taking a seat directly in SLT’s field of vision. This was alarming because V* never came into the office unless some complaint or grievance was about to be filed. Also, Ben* stood nearby, waiting for his Ramen noodles to cook in the office microwave. How ironc…

    “Mr. Webb, some guys have been complaining about roomcheck today…”

    If only he knew how much SLT detests being called Mr. Webb. “Yes, I know of it, yes, it was dealt with, and Ben*, if I hear one more complaint from you I promise you will be grounded to your dorm room so long you’ll start making funeral arrangements.” Ben* storms out.

    The anger shifted to Mr. Vigilante*. “And you, maybe you should spend less time on being the campus vigilante, fighting faculty every time someone is punished and more time on learning what’s going on!”

    Vigilante* fired back: “Mr. Webb [I use bold here because of the sheer anger in his voice.], I do not appreciate you talking to me. If you have something to say, you can say it to me in a calm and civil manner…”

    SLT pulls out grenade launcher: “No, Vigilante*, you calm down. Did you take any time at all to investigate whether Ben* had actually come to me before your indictments? Because had you checked that out, you might have seen that I’ve already discussed with Ben* 5 times.”

    Pause. Vigilante* realizes his mistake in approaching a fully-loaded and prepared SLT. “No, I wasn’t aware of that…”

    Laser beams shoot out of the human/droid’s eyes. “Well maybe next time you get your story straight before you come in here and attack me. Leave my office.”

    Vigilante* leaves. SLT is victorious again. Resistance is useless.
  1. SLT warned you. Do not test SLT. Another brilliant student tested Happy Fun Ball Social-Life Terminator this weekend. Since Sunday evening was going to be banquet (hence no study hall that night), we had our study hall on Saturday night as the activity for the evening. Yes, everyone was really excited… NOT.

    While most of the guys went to their rooms to study, ASB’s Social Committee had special permission to go to the cafeteria and set up for the next day’s event. When they came back from decorating, one that SLT has “dealt with” in the last few days, Luke*, lurked into the office with a massive, way overfilled balloon.

    SLT saw into the future. That’s going to pop near me.

    The robot/dean/gift-to-all-women warned Luke* that if the balloon, already thinking about assploding himself, was to pop, so would Luke*’s dreams of a week hanging out with his new girlfriend.

    Luke* laughed. SLT could not compute this reaction. He heard no joke.

    Seconds later, the balloon assplodes. SLT informs Luke* that he is rec-bound for a week. Luke* then realizes it wasn’t a joke. Shock. Horror. Lost hopes. Head down. Stagger out of the office.

    And the Triple-Crown of punishment is complete.

And now SLT hopes to recharge his batteries. Power down.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent... or presumed innocent.


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